


Dirorirodis

by Colorful_World



Category: SHINee
Genre: Drinking Solo AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colorful_World/pseuds/Colorful_World





	

**Title :** Dirorirodis  
**Prompt-# :** 204  
**For :** Anonymous  
**Pairing :** Jonghyun/Key (and allusions to Drinking Solo pairings)  
**Author :** _Anonymous until reveals_  
**Word count :** 6900  
**Rating :** R  
**Warnings :** Rated for cursing and general vulgarity, nothing very violent or explicit actually happens.  
**Summary :** Minho's conscience is bothering him, so he pays Kibum a visit in Noryangjin to try and apologize for his past behavior. It doesn't go quite the way he planned.  
  


❖❖❖

  
  
  
  


Dirorirodis

  
  
_**A/N:** OP I’m sorry if you wanted anything other than crack… because this is just silly \\(`ㅂ´)/  
*There aren’t any spoilers here for the end of DS, so this could take place any time after Ep.5.  
*Also, just to be clear, there’s no SHINee!Key in this universe, Key is Kibum, Kibum is Key. His parents moved to Incheon at some point and he never auditioned for SM. Minho, Kibum and Jjong are all somewhat more dickish here than they are in the real world, and I feel bad about it, but this is DS world with DS rules._  
  
  
Kibum peered over the edge of his textbook, the 10ft textbook he was sitting on... sitting on and floating in a sea of beer. Yes, it was a dream... but he still really needed to get to those answers at the bottom, and besides, the lizard had said that the only way to do that was to drink the sea dry. So that was that, he had to pick up his mug and get drinking.  
  
He was about to plunge the mug into the fizzy ocean when a frog startled him, flopping up onto his book and getting the pages all soggy. Eugh, now it’d smell just like all the ones in the academy library.  
  
“Kibum.”  
  
“Don’t croak my name asshole, I have to drink this, can’t you see?” He said trying to shoo the slimy creature off. “And don’t get my notes wet.”  
  
“Kibum, Kibum” The frog croaked again.  
  
“I said fuck off, now fuck off before I tie your tongue in a knot!” Kibum made a violent choking motion, attempting to intimidate the poor beast. “Why do you look so familiar anyway?...”  
  
“Kibum.”  
  
The frog’s long pink tongue shot out and wrapped its sticky self around his wrist.  
  
“AGHH!” Kibum shouted, struggling to free himself of the elastic grip, “stick your filthy appendage elsewhere you ugly, slimy piece of—“  
  
“Kibum.” The tongue shot out and caught him again by the other wrist.  
  
“FUCKKkk — what have I done to deserve this amphibian…?”  
  
“Kibum.”  
  
“GET LOST!”  
  
“Kibum, Kibum, Kibum, wake up, Kibum, Wake up….”  
  
“FUCK OFF!” Kibum screamed, out loud this time, as he fought the sheets… and also something considerably more solid off.  
  
“AGHH!” The thing replied.  
  
“AGGGGHHHHHHHH!” Kibum flailed in panic, unseating his visitor.  
  
“OWAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH!”  
  
“AAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH—“  
  
*BANG, BANG* “SHUT UP, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO STUDY!”  
  
The interruption from the next room shocked them both into silence.  
  
“Surprise?” said the thing, hopefully.  
  
“I’m still dreaming.” Kibum collapsed back into his sheets. “There is no way Choi fucking Minho is in my room.” This was too much too early, maybe if he closed his eyes his former frog-faced bully would disappear. He couldn’t even think what the other man was even doing here… or how he’d gotten in anyway.  
  
“The sweetest dream you ever had?”  
  
“No.” Kibum mumbled from under his blanket. “I see your ego hasn’t deflated. You better be gone by the time I’ve woken up.” He raised a hand to wave out his botherer.  
  
“Sorry Kibum,” replied Minho, interlocking his fingers with Kibum’s exposed ones. “But you are going to be apologized to.”  
  
“APOLOGISED TO!?” Kibum screamed. That was rich.  
  
Minho lunged to shut his former classmate’s mouth before anyone else heard—  
  
*BANG* from the other side of the room “QUIET!”  
  
The pair of them flinched at the noise and after another quick struggle Kibum managed to remove the hand gagging him. But not the large idol on top of him. Kibum was uncomfortably reminded of exactly why Minho was able to push him and the other students around so badly back at school. The man was strong.  
  
However that was a long time ago, they were adults (sort of) now, and Kibum still felt a little braver than he used to. Maybe he just didn’t care as much as he once did.  
  
“Apologized to for what exactly, for being tortured by you at school or for being tortured by your vicious, deluded, roach-fans? Or apologized to for breaking into my room and waking me up?”  
  
“All of the above. Now sit still while I do it.”  
  
The pillow seemed to come out of nowhere.  
  
“Like hell I will!” Kibum made a grab for Minho’s hair, “I have a very important exam this week and I don’t need you stealing my beauty sleep.” dragging him off sideways, “It’s your fault that I never did well at school jerk,” and kicking off another short tussle… which was quickly won by the idol again, who remained triumphantly sat on top of his former (current) victim.  
  
“Will you just be quiet for a second and let me try.” Minho clasped his hands over the other’s mouth in exasperation… until they were bitten.  
  
“FUUCK! OWW! You cheated!”  
  
*BANG* “FOR THE LAST TIME, SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I CALL THE WARDEN!”  
  
“No I…” Kibum’s eyes lit up, he’d had an idea that the other really wasn’t going to like. It was useful sometimes to have (virtually) no shame.  
  
“Dirori~ YES MINHO HARDER!”  
  
“Shh, what the fuck are you doing?” Minho struggled to contain him, but Kibum was determined.  
  
“YES CHOI MINHO, RAPPER SLASH VISUAL OF POPULAR IDOL GROUP SHINEE! FUCK ME HARDER WITH YOUR BIG CELEBRITY PENIS!”  
  
“Noooooooooo~ what are you doing?” Minho hissed.  
  
“YEEEEEEESSSS!” Kibum screamed back to spite him before lowering his voice.  
  
“Now kindly hop off before people come and see if you really are besmirching my innocence. ‘Scandal: Idol Actor Choi Minho Caught in Male Student’s Bed’. Just imagine that, aaallll over Naver.”  
  
Minho leapt off him just as fast as he suggested.  
  
“You little… you will let me apologize to you, just you wait.” He said, pointing his finger at the smug student and making for the exit.  
  
“Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, neaga, neaga, neaga, munjuh” Kibum sang after the retreating ass. “Goodbye! See you again never.”  
  
And that was the most satisfying victory that Kim Kibum had ever experienced in his life so far.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
‘How can he reject me like that?’ Minho thought to himself plaintively as he stumbled out down the corridor, trying to figure out which way he had come. ‘I’m adorable. Or at least people say I’m adorable. Kibs always was a bit weird though. God, this place is a maze, maybe it’s a form of brain training…’  
  
He picked a door to barge through, that he’d have sworn looked just like the one to the stairwell. Except it wasn’t, and Minho ended up tumbling into a small kitchen, startling the two students making breakfast inside.  
  
“Oh hello, nice to erm meet you, this morning, in your lovely… kitchen…ette.” Minho greeted them, politely, as always. The pretty one looked stunned and who could blame her? Handsome and famous strangers disturbing your breakfast couldn’t be a normal occurrence around here.  
  
“And who are you?” Asked the scruffy male one, he on the contrary, didn’t seem impressed at all.  
  
“I’m SHIN… wait, you don’t know?” Asked Minho affronted.  
  
“SHINee Minho.” Piped up the girl in a small voice.  
  
“Ohhhh him... Kibum’s nemesis. I see.”  
  
Minho had never heard anyone mention a ‘nemesis’ like it was such a little deal, but clearly this poor guy knew Kibum well enough. Kibum probably had tons of nemesises, he was so naturally obnoxious that he probably had at least 4.  
  
“You see? He talks about me?”  
  
“Not really, well, not until…” The guy’s eyes flicked to the pretty girl over by the cupboards, “never mind.”  
  
“Ah, not until my fans attacked him right?”  
  
“...Something like that...” replied the strange, calm man. “So what are you doing here again?”  
  
“Well…” Minho began.  
  
<<< Earlier that morning<<<  
  
“You know, I don’t know why you’re even bothering, shit like this happens all the time with fans.”  
  
Minho sighed and turned to his driving bandmate. “Because he was right Jjong. I was a total jerk to him and I’d kind of forgotten all about it, and now I remember and I feel awful.”  
  
“Mate, I read his post, I don’t think hearing what he has to say in person is going to make you feel any better… especially not since the ‘wols beat him up.”  
  
“But he looked so pathetic in those pictures they posted.”  
  
“And kinda cute.” Jonghyun commented under his breath.  
  
Minho’s eyes widened in realization as he smacked the dashboard, startling the driver. “You are such a fucking deviant! Is that why you agreed to drive me? I cannot believe you!”  
  
“I didn’t mean it that way! Mind my car!” Jonghyun protested. “I just thought he looked like someone I could click with on a… spiritual level… you know.” His friend looked at his skeptically. “And the way I see it he’s far more likely to accept your crappy apology if it comes with bonus Jonghyun. Everyone enjoys bonus Jonghyun! Plus he obviously isn’t very keen on you so...”  
  
“Your dick isn’t, and has never been, an apology Jonghyun. Especially not a third party apology.”  
  
“I think it’s poetic. Like, I’m so sorry for what I have done to you, here you can have the love of my best friend.”  
  
“AHA! So you admit it! You’re here to drive, not to give anyone your ~love, if that’s your new metaphor for it.”  
  
Jonghyun just huffed at him. He thought it wasn’t a bad metaphor, maybe not his best, but not as bad as some of the ones he’d come across in fanfic. Not that he read that or anything.  
  
“Stay in your lane.”  
  
“Shan’t” The driver replied petulantly. His feelings had been hurt.  
  
“No in your literal lane Jjong!!”  
  
>>>>>>  
  
“...So I came here to apologize to him.”  
  
Minho had left out the parts about his friend’s dick and bad driving just as his media training had taught him. Unfortunately without them there hadn’t been enough of the story left to make any sense, but he hadn’t seemed to have noticed that whilst telling it.  
  
“Right...” Said Dong Young. This man was clearly just of much of a lunatic as his frenemy was, or whatever relation Kibum was to him.  
  
Chaeyeon had clearly had enough too and left the room with, “If you came all the way to Noryangjin to apologize, then focus on apologizing.”  
  
After a stunned silence Minho asked, “Wow, what’s her name?”  
  
Dong Young had to stifle his laughter in his ramen. Kibum had to be the unluckiest person in the universe.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
“So, are you in a better mood now?”  
  
Kibum screamed as he was ambushed by a masked man in the computer room. Just like anyone would to be fair.  
  
“AHH! Oh it’s you again, gross, now disguised as the invisible man.”  
  
Minho was wearing a mask and sunglasses and a hat. Overkill in the student’s opinion. He was just a stupid idol, no one cared that much.  
  
“Seriously, as much as I don’t want to see your face, you couldn’t be more conspicuous if you were naked. Take that shit off, you’re making a scene.” He said, making a grab for the idol’s glasses.  
  
“Now you’re making a scene!”  
  
“I always make a fucking scene… people are used to it. Now take that—“ He spied Chaeyeon watching them from across the room. “Dirori~”  
  
“Why do make that stupid noise?”  
  
Minho’s question about his habit was ignored, there were more important things afoot, like showing that nasty girl what was what.  
  
“Hey Jung Chaeyeon!” He waved, hugging poor Minho to him. “This is my friend Minho, we were very close back in school.”  
  
Chaeyeon was predictably unimpressed.  
  
“I saw him earlier, you hate him. Stop being foolish and go back to studying.”  
  
“Who said that, Dong Young? Gong Myung? Pah! What would those losers know? Me and Minho here have been close since we were in middle school.”  
  
“Really?” The idol was suddenly filled with hope by Kibum’s embrace and warm words.  
  
“No. Now play along if you want my forgiveness.”  
  
Minho, ever the optimist, decided to take him at his word on that… rather than on all of his other words. Some would call it an ‘attitude of entitlement’ rather than optimism, but that was their problem.  
  
“Ah Kibum! I have missed you so much!”  
  
Critics might have panned this as one of Minho’s most stilted and unconvincing performances, luckily the only spectators were a room full of irritated exam entrants.  
  
“How could I have gone this long without seeing you?”  
  
“I don’t know Minho! Now that you have come to visit me here I feel as if I am whole again!”  
  
“Pitiful.” Commented Dong Young from where he was sitting with their other friend, serenely observing the chaos.  
  
“Which one?” Asked Gong Myung, eyeing the pair of them.  
  
“Both of them... Our dear friend of course goes without explanation.”  
  
“Mm-hmm” Gong Myung agreed.  
  
“But look at that other loser… he actually thinks that playing along with him will work… what kind of school did they even go to?”  
  
“It looks as if we might have misjudged poor Kibum doesn’t it? He wasn’t born a lunatic, his education was faulty.”  
  
Dong Young nodded wisely. Poor, pitiful Kibum a victim of the state education department.  
  
Meanwhile Chaeyeon had already left.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
“Bum, Bum, Bum, Bummie~”  
  
Minho bounced along behind Kibum as he left the computer room, after they'd been thrown out eventually for causing a distraction.  
  
“What.” Kibum snapped at the overgrown tigger.  
  
“What are you doing today?~” He asked his new, old (not) friend.  
  
“Studying.”  
  
“Do you want to hang out with me?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You can come back to the dorm with me… meet the others… we can get drunk and play Fifa.”  
  
Kibum couldn’t think of anything he’d less like to do.  
  
“HHmmm let me think about it for a second…. No. I’d rather shit in my hands and clap thanks.”  
  
“Ok we can stay here then,” Minho carried on blithely, unfazed by the other’s vulgarity, “I can buy you lunch… or dinner… or we can get drinks...”  
  
The student’s patience was wearing thin. Believe it or not he actually was trying to study for the exam next week. He really was this time. He promised.  
  
“Aren’t celebrities supposed to have schedules? Or are you out of work?”  
  
Minho just ignored the barb “… Or norebang, you could dance, I miss seeing you dance Bummie.”  
  
Kibum sighed and slung his arm around the idol’s shoulders. Did this man really not realize how much of a jerk he still was?  
  
“Look here Minho.” He said companionably, as his other hand slyly opened a door on his right. “That all sounds perfectly horrible, but I’m sorry I just don’t have the time today, gotta study.”  
  
And with that Minho found himself pushed into, locked and left in a cleaning cupboard.  
  
“Bummie? Bum where are you going?” He asked plaintively. “Kibum,” He banged on the door. “KIBUM DON”T LEAVE ME IN HERE! KIBUM!?”  
  
Kibum skipped away, savoring the look of horror and betrayal he’d glimpsed through the frosted glass.  
  
Kibummie: 2, SHITNee Minhoe: 0  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Not long after, Gong Myung and Dong Young were walking to the convenience store in search of lunch. Their friend’s outburst in the computer room had completely disrupted their flow and the best way to solve it was probably food. The answer usually seemed to be food… except when it was alcohol. That was just how the world worked and it was sometimes best not to question it too closely.  
  
“Oh, look, is that that guy from B2ST?” Gong Myung said, pointing further down the street to a very small man in a very big sweater, leaning on a flashy, white car.  
  
“Idiot, since when did two celebrities show up in Noryangjin on the same day? Noo, he probably came with that Minho guy…” Dong Young replied. “And that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”  
  
“His Justin Bieber hoodie?” Asked Gong Myung, unsettled by his friend’s serious lapse in taste. Not that Dong Young was known for his taste, but that was just odd.  
  
“What? God what is up with you? The car.”  
  
“Oooh, I see.”  
  
“Just think how much it must have cost…” Dong Young said, practically salivating as they walked closer.  
  
Gong Myung swatted him. “Kibum is right you know. Poverty really does make you disgustingly materialistic.”  
  
“Ow, there was no need to hit me.” His friend replied, rubbing his head.  
  
“It was to remind you of what is really important.”  
  
“My brain cells? Ow yeesh, that hurt.”  
  
“Yes, those.”  
  
“Well don’t kill them then! I need them… I need them to get out of here and make money.”  
  
Gong Myung sighed at his companion. “See, you could at least say, ‘to get out of here and marry Yeon Yi’. How did I make such a shallow friend?”  
  
Dong Young thought that Gong Myung took a perverse amount of pride in being an idealistic, romantic idiot sometimes, but he hadn’t meant it like that at all. The money was for Yeon Yi too!  
  
As they drew closer the idol waved at them to their surprise, smiling brightly. Dazzlingly brightly.  
  
“Hii~ You two haven’t seen a rapper anywhere around here have you, I seem to have lost mine. He’s about 6ft tall, brown hair, big bug eyes?”  
  
“What’s the finder’s fee?” Dong Young chipped in, only to get swatted again for his efforts.  
  
“Sorry, what my friend meant was yes, we have seen him.” Gong Myung replied, giving the stranger his best apologetic eye smile. “He was heading towards the cafeteria with our… acquaintance Kibum about half an hour ago.”  
  
Jonghyun had never been immune to anything cute, and this tall student guy was adorable.  
  
“Oh, so it’s going well then?”  
  
“Ummm, it? I wouldn’t put it that way exactly.” Gong Myung said tactfully.  
  
There was no tactful way to explain the scene that had occurred when the staff had tried to throw out the warring duo earlier. Kibum they were well used to, but his shady friend in the mask was a whole new kind of nuisance, unknown to academy security, but not soon to be forgotten.  
  
“Ah I see.” Said the idol. “Sounds like he needs to be rescued. Could you take me to him?”  
  
“Of course.” Gong Myung replied, turning up the charm again. “Come this way hyungnim.”  
  
“Hey.” Dong Young called after them. “Your car is dirty. If you pay me I’ll clean it for you.”  
  
“Oh, sure.” Jonghyun shrugged and reached back to pass him a couple of notes. “Thanks.”  
  
Dong Young looked at the money in his hands “This is the best day ever.” 50K won and the chance to rub up all over a Lamborghini, not bad, not bad at all.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
“Hey, Sir, what’s the hurry, is Ming’s life in danger or something?” Jonghyun cried out, panting, from several meters behind his tall guide.  
  
“Sir? Life? No?” Gong Myung looked back, puzzle.  
  
“Then slow down, my legs don’t reach as far as yours.” He whined as he caught up with the student, following him through the automatic doors into the academy foyer.  
  
“I’m sorry hyung, I just need to do this quickly so I’m not late to study with Master.” Gong Myung explained.  
  
“Master? I didn’t know students were that kinky.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Um, never mind…” Jonghyun said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. This really was an innocent one, better not corrupt it now.  
  
“OOOH! SHINee Jonghyun!”  
  
“Seongsaeng! Watch out!”  
  
A young woman fell out of the sky (down the stairs) into Jonghyun’s arms. She was lucky he’d been working out so much recently.  
  
“Noona are you alright? I’m sorry if I startled you” Jjong apologized earnestly to the pretty lady he was holding.  
  
Hana hid her giggled in her palm. “Nooo I’m sorry, don’t worry about me, I’m fine, sorry for bothering you.”  
  
Jonghyun could see the corners of her smile slipping out from in between her fingers. Cute.  
  
“Not at all ‘seongsaeng’...” The he beamed back at her as he set her gracefully back on her feet. So this was Gong Myung’s teacher eh? The plot thickens, Jonghyun could see the appeal, maybe he needed to get a master, or a teacher or whatever.  
  
Meanwhile, Gong Myung, frankly outraged at having his act stolen, practically threw the shoe he’d retrieved from the stairs back at Hana and dragged Jjong off by the collar.  
  
“Sorry Seongsaeng — no time to chat — we have to go rescue a SHINee, speak to you later — byeee, take care~” He waved back at her.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Hana didn’t know quite what to do with herself. It wasn’t everyday you fall into the toned arms of a handsome idol. This was far too exciting to just tell her phone about! So she did what anyone would do and bounded back up the stairs, bursting into the office to tell Jin Yi and the others.  
  
“Oooh you will never guess who I just saw downstairs!”  
  
“Song Joon Ki?” Suggested Prof Min not-seriously without even looking up.  
  
“Nope.” Hana shook her head, bouncing on her toes in excitement.  
  
“Wait,” said Jin Yi, catching onto her friend’s excitement, “Man or woman?”  
  
”Man.”  
  
“Is he famous?” She asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Oooo, is he rich?”  
  
“He must be.”  
  
“Is he still there?”  
  
“Jin Yi!” Hana reprimanded her, not terribly seriously. Jin Yi was so predictable.  
  
“Oooo you will never get it. It was SHINee Jonghyun!” And the pair of them erupted into excited giggles.  
  
“What’s the big deal about Shinay Jeonghong.” Asked prof Min sulkily. He didn’t like the sound of him already.  
  
“Quiet you!” Ordered Jin Yi. “Hana is a SHINee fan, she must be sooo happy aw!! Is he handsome in real life?”  
  
“If you came to Noryangjin to teach, you should focus on teaching.” Said Min. He was ignored.  
  
“Yah.” Director Kim walked into the office. “What is all this in here?” He said, waving his hands “Are you having some kind of party? Why aren’t you at work?”  
  
“Oh no Mr Kim. Hana just saw SHINee Jonghyun downstairs.” Said Jin Yi  
  
“Ohh an idol? Is he still there? I could ask him to advertise for us, ohh how exciting~!”  
  
“What is this noise?” Jung Seok had left his cave to see what all the commotion was about. “It’s disrupting my preparations.”  
  
“Sorry Professor Jin.” Mumbled Hana.  
  
“Oh Professor Jin, don’t be so harsh. Hana was just excited because she met a ~handsome idol downstairs.”  
  
“SHINee aren’t even good–“ Started Professor Min, but Jin Yi threw a handy stapler at his head.  
  
“All idols are low-quality and people who like them are even more pathetic. What kind of second rate academy lets such people run around, disturbing students whilst they are studying for their exams?”  
  
“Ohh not this one Professor Jin,” Said Director Kim “Tchhhh, I have no truck with idols at all, frivolous nobodies. I will call security and get him removed at once, yes?”  
  
“Oh no Director Kim, don’t do that! He was very polite.” Appealed Hana, forgetting that she was supposed to be a doormat.  
  
“That’s it!” Announced Jung Seok suddenly, startling the others. “This has gone on for long enough! This low quality, shiny person is obviously a danger to the joint class. I’ll get rid of him myself, seeing as the rest of you all are all incompetent.”  
  
And with that he marched out the door to capture the troublesome interloper, leaving Hana quaking in fear and guilt for whatever it was that she’d done wrong this time.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Jonghyun followed his guide on down to the student cafeteria. Luckily it was well after lunchtime and the big room was mostly empty, with just a few lonely people scattered here and there. He singled Kibum out instantly. Even though all he’d seen of Kibum before was a couple of blurry trophy pics posted on the SHINee World fan board the man’s strange hairstyle and tracksuit were unmistakable.  
  
“Kibummie.” Called Gong Myung.  
  
“What?”  
  
“This is Jonghyun, he’s here to get Minho.”  
  
Kibum just huffed at him.  
  
Minho didn’t seem to be anywhere nearby, so for some reason Jjong decided he might as well make conversation.  
  
“I see the ‘wols weren’t wrong about the feet on your face.”  
  
Kibum gave him the most contemptuous look he’d ever seen, as if he were struggling to believe that anyone could actually make such an awkward opening.  
  
“Yeah, well…” He started, dropping his chopsticks so he could gesticulate more violently, “My feet are obviously more handsome than twelve of your face.”.  
  
Jonghyun doubted that, no one was 12 times more handsome than he was, especially not pulling that face, but he thought he ought to let it slide this time. Later on, when he had a chance, he’d correct the student.  
  
“Okayyy, so where’s Minho?”  
  
“Your backup dancer? I stuck him in a cupboard upstairs.” Kibum replied, getting back to his food as if it were more interesting that the kidnap and entrapment of a well known and well loved celebrity.  
  
“Brilliant you caught him! I’ve never managed it.”  
  
“Probably because you’re about the size of a pot plant.”  
  
“What?” A pot plant?! “No, never mind. Just take me to him and then I’ll get him out of your way.”  
  
“But he is out of my wa—“  
  
“Sorry no.” Interjected Gong Myung, who had been getting fidgetier and fidgetier the longer this conversation carried on for.  
  
“What?” The other two asked in unison. As if they’d forgotten that he was there at all.  
  
“Jonghyun can’t go back up there, it’s too… dangerous”  
  
The other two exchanged incredulous looks, animosity temporarily forgotten. “Dangerous?”  
  
“I’ll go fetch him, and you can take Jonghyun and put him,” Gong Myung said, pointing at Jonghyun, “somewhere quiet and out of the way.”  
  
Jonghyun wondered what he’d done that was so wrong. He wasn’t accustomed to being ‘Him’ let alone being put. No one put Jonghyun in the… nevermind.  
  
“Yah, like where?” Asked the pissy one, who, despite himself, Jonghyun really was taking a shine to, warts and all. Not that Kibum had any visible warts. Just stupid hair, and a stupid face, and stupid clothes.  
  
“I don’t know, the dorms or something. Hide him in your room.”  
  
Jonghyun didn’t mind the sound of that. In his experience being invited to people’s rooms was usually fun.  
  
“And how is that not ‘dangerous’ Einstein.”  
  
(‘Hahaha if only you knew pretty boy’ commented the little devil on Jjong’s shoulder. He was ashamed of that devil most of the time. Filthy creature. Although that didn’t mean he didn’t agree with it…)  
  
“Do you keep a pet snake?” Jjong asked.  
  
“No!...” Answered Kibum, confused at this strange new line of questioning. “I mean, mind your own damn business!”  
  
“Great sounds safe, let’s go.” The idol said, grabbing Kibum by the wrist and pulling him up easily.  
  
“No wait! What? I didn’t say yes… Gong Myung!! Save me~”  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
As Gong Myung went back up the stairs in search of the allegedly closeted idol he wasn’t too preoccupied about having left Kibum to be abducted. Kibum hadn’t resisted nearly as hard as he could when he really didn’t want to do something… and he always jumped on any kind of distraction available when it got close to exams. No he wasn’t concerned about Kibum. He was concerned about the general safety and sanity of (Hana) the academy.  
  
Whilst walking down the second floor corridor he bumped head first into his brother, who was clearly also too distracted to look where he was going. But they just grunted at each other and moved on like they usually did.  
  
BEEP BEEP  
Text: Kibummie  
I hope that bastard has shat himself when you find him. <3  
  
Gong Myung hoped he hadn’t. If he was going to spring an angry celebrity from a cupboard, he’d rather that it wasn’t angry and covered in shit. What exactly had this guy done to upset Kibum so much anyway? Sure, lots of people upset Kibum, but he rarely actually did anything about them unless they really deserved it.  
  
Gong Myung knocked politely on the cupboard door.  
  
“Excuse me. Excuse me Hello?”  
  
He looked around hoping that no one had seen that. Sane people aren’t seen knocking on cupboards.  
  
“Hello, Choi Minho?”  
  
There was still no answer so he opened the door, only to find it completely empty.  
  
“Well fuck my life.”  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Meanwhile, Kibum and Jonghyun were sneaking through the corridors of the residence building. They’d had to roll past the warden like a pair of spies and were now inching along the corridors, crouching in corners and pretending to point guns at each other.  
  
It probably wasn’t necessary, but they seemed to be having fun.  
  
“Yah! Get your hands off me pervert!” Kibum swatted off the hands that were trying to creep around his waist.  
  
“Oops sorry.”  
  
“No you aren’t.”  
  
Jonghyun almost tried to justify himself by saying something like, ‘all idols are this touchy’ or ‘No I’m the King of skinship.’ But he thought, given the ‘necessity’ for stealth, that it might be wiser to change the subject rather than risk Kibum exploding again.  
  
“Sooo… how does feel stuffing Ming in a cupboard?”  
  
“Oh? Pretty good.”  
  
“Hmm” Jonghyun agreed. “What I’d give sometimes to trap that man in a small dark space…”  
  
“I bet you would.” Kibum commented under his breath as he reached for his keys.  
  
Damn it, his mind wasn’t in the gutter that often was it? Was that really the impression he gave off?  
  
“He’s not my type.”  
  
Kibum slapped off his hands again as he opened the door and went in.  
  
“Tchh. Don’t you think you’re a bit forwards?”  
  
“Well personally I think you’re imagining it. Why would I be coming on to a weirdo like you anyway? But just say the word and I promise I’ll leave you alone.”  
  
Kibum huffed and didn’t answer him. Going to his desk instead and taking down a couple of textbooks. This guy really did run hot and cold didn’t he?  
  
Jonghyun took a seat on the bed, which was the only option, and looked at the room he was in. Nicer than he’d expected if he was honest. Incredibly neat.  
  
“So what are you studying for?”  
  
“What everyone’s studying for.” Kibum answered tersely.  
  
“Sorry I don’t know much about studying.”  
  
“Figures, typical dumb idol… The Civil Service exam.”  
  
That stung. Jonghyun stood up and spun Kibum around in his silly spinny chair to face him, looking him squarely in the eye.  
  
“I’m not dumb.”  
  
“Tchh,”  
  
Kibum feigned indifference, even though Jjong could hear his heartbeat speeding up. Damn right he was scary… or sexy, either would do right now.  
  
“You look dumb.”  
  
“Do I?” Jonghyun asked leaning closer.  
  
Kibum gulped.  
  
Satisfied that the student had been appropriately reminded that it was mean to hurt other people’s feelings, or appropriately aroused. Jonghyun pulled back and retreated to the bed.  
  
“So. Let me help you study. I’m here now so you might as well make full use of me.”  
  
It was only as Jonghyun gestured to the length of his body that he realized he’d lain down rather that sat. Oops, oh well.  
  
“Dirori~ You really are a pervert!”  
  
“Say that again.”  
  
“You really are a pervert.”  
  
“No the Doriroo thing, I could use that.”  
  
“Yah! it’s mine.”  
  
“Please???” Jonghyun pulled out his best puppy eyes.  
  
“Make me.” Replied Kibum.  
  
Well that was that then.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Once he’d found the cupboard was empty, Gong Myung had resorted to the best plan he could think of… which was running down every corridor in the academy in search of the idol like some sort of real life Pacman, hoping that if he moved fast enough he’d somehow bump into Minho and take him out.  
  
It turned out that instead of his target he bumped into Dong Young and his master, of all people, hanging about by the main desk on the top floor… taking pictures of something.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“Taking pictures to sell to SHINee fans.” Answered Dong Young, as if that was normal, which in Gong Myung’s opinion it was not.  
  
“Master?” He asked, turning to Chaeyeon, who was looking sheepish.  
  
“I’m… mind your own business.” she replied.  
  
Gong Myung already had an inkling what he’d see when he peeked through the office door. Yes, Choi Minho was somehow already in there, busy charming the pants off (Hana) the tutors, with his charm and his face and his shinee-ness. Gong Myung seethed.  
  
“Oohh that bastard. Who does he think he is?”  
  
“Choi Minho. Who do you think you are? Get out of the way, I need to eat.” Said Dong Young, continuing to snap pictures on his phone.  
  
“Agh, you are insane.”  
  
“No I’m opportunistic.”  
  
Gong Myung was about to argue the point harder, when a clear voice boomed out from behind them.  
  
“Get out of my way.”  
  
Oh great, that was just who Gong Myung needed to show up. Jin Sang… and two other poor people being dragged along by their ears.  
  
“Bro— teacher who I am in no way associated with— ? — ???”  
  
“Move.” Jung Seok cut him off. Clearly not in the mood for chit chat with his sibling (when was he ever?)  
  
“Hello, nice to meet you.” Piped up one of the idols bravely, whilst wincing in pain. “Hi, Hello, nice to meet you, students hwaiting!.” Said the other as they were swept along into the office.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Jung Seok demanded when he saw Minho sitting on the office desk, ingratiating himself with the staff.  
  
“Wh—“  
  
“What are you doing in general!?” Shouted Jin Yi at the sight of Onew and Taemin being held up by their ears like naughty children.  
  
“I’m dealing with an infestation!”  
  
Hana trembled.  
  
“Ohh nooo Professor Jin! You’ll shake their ears off!” Cried the director. “I am terrible sorry, he is crazy tchh.” He apologized to the struggling idols.  
  
Onew, naturally, seemed to be completely unruffled by the whole procedure.  
  
“Please don’t worry sir, we don’t mean to be a trouble to you. We’ll just gather our other members and be on, ouch, on our way.” He beamed at everyone.  
  
“Other?” Asked Jin Seok, giving him a shake. “How many people are in this low-quality group of yours?”  
  
“Actually we are luxury contemporary idol group shinin— ow!“ Taemin shut up when Onew reached around behind the professor to kick him.  
  
“Just one more sir.”  
  
From outside Gong Myung could see that this had gone on for long enough. If there was ever a time to stand up to his brother then this was it. Hana looked like she was about to faint, Master also not great (Dong Young was having the time of his life, but for all the wrong reasons.) He would march in there, assert himself over his brother, rescue the idols in distress, look like a boss, and then get them the fuck out of his academy.  
  
“AHA!” He announced his entry to the shell shocked staff. “There you guys are! I was just looking for you.”  
  
He’d have never gotten away with this on a normal day.  
  
“I’ve found Jonghyun outside, now if you just come with me…”  
  
He pried Onew and Taemin from brother’s fingers and shepherded them towards the door. Kicking Minho along in front of him.  
  
“Very sorry professors…”  
  
He bowed to the room’s occupants as he backed out slowly, so as not to spook them.  
  
“We can now all get back to normal.”  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
After fleeing the office the five of them had bolted into the elevators and over the road to the accommodation. No one wanted to risk getting caught again by Jung Seok. Gong Myung realized that he’d have a lot of explaining to do once he got home tonight.  
  
“Thank you for saving us Gong Myung.” Onew told him.  
  
Images of Hana smiling adoringly at Jonghyun and Minho flashed through his mind. “I didn’t do it for you.”  
  
“He did it for love.” Dong Yong scoffed behind his back.  
  
They reached Kibum’s door and Knocked.  
  
“There’s no answer.” Said Taemin, after a minute.  
  
“Then Knock again silly.” Said Onew, encouraging him.  
  
Taemin Knocked again.  
  
“Just open it.” Said Minho. It’s what he’d done earlier that morning after all, and that had had no negative consequences whatsoever.  
  
Taemin opened the door onto a sight that no one was expecting. Carnage yes, a murder scene, maybe. Post coital bliss, not so much. Taemin shut the door again pretty damn fast.  
  
“Well that’s unusual.” Gong Myung commented, a little shell shocked. Kibum’s ass was surprisingly perky.  
  
“Hm maybe he was right about how to apologize.” Pondered Minho.  
  
Everyone looked at him strangely.  
  
“It’s probably better not to ask” Onew said wisely.  
  
There were sage nods all round. It was indeed probably better that they didn’t know.  
  
“Hyung is such a romantic~”  
  
“You really call that romance?” Asked Dong Young  
  
Taemin just gave him the ‘are you an idiot?’ look. Of course it was romantic…ish. At least, when Jonghyun inevitably retold the story he’d make it sound romantic and that was close enough. Maybe he’d write one of his sex-songs about it.  
  
“Should we wake them up” Asked Gong Myung, still flummoxed.  
  
“No leave them, Jjong can drive himself home when he’s finished.”  
  
“I want to see Kibum’s when he wakes up.” Said Minho.  
  
“Me too honestly” Agreed Dong Young and he and Minho shook hands, having found their common ground. Waking up Kibum now would have the most amusing consequences.  
  
Onew was not so impressed by his bandmate’s sadistic streak. Luckily he had one of his own. “Oh Minho, you’re in deep shit with the managers by the way… something about being seen breaking into an academy, sexually assaulting a student and disrupting students’ exam preparation.”  
  
“Fuck”  
  
“Quite.”  
  
Taemin rolled his eyes,” Hyung, you’re the worst apologizer ever. Officially. Now let’s get out of this dump, I think my skin is starting to absorb the smell.”  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
Kibum woke up the next morning with a dead arm, but for the first time in recent memory, with no bad dreams. He felt completely relaxed and satisfied and warm, like all his anxiety had slipped away, just lying there listening to Jonghyun’s shallow breathing.  
  
Wait a second…  
  
Jonghyun’s shallow breathing?  
  
There was a tiny man in his arms!? What the fuck?  
  
Kibum tried to extract himself from the other’s grip, but for a small man he was rather strong. Nice, erm, muscles he could see there. Not that he was looking! No he’d seen enough of them last night to know they were there already... “Oh fuck my life.”  
  
He glanced over at the alarm clock, it read 10:40am.  
  
“ACTUALLY FUCK MY LIFE!”  
  
Kibum sprang into action. Shoving the sleeping Jonghyun off and scrabbling to his desk to get straight on the books, there was no time to waste.  
  
Jjong groaned and rubbed his eyes, not ready for the rude awakening. He’d been very comfortable.  
  
“Grr, what’s up?” he moaned groggily.  
  
Kibum was infuriated. Why wouldn’t he be. The universe had just landed the biggest possible distraction in his bed… even worse than yesterday’s distraction in his bed. Why did God hate him so much?  
  
“Everything, now piss off I need to study. If I fail my exam because of you I’m going to go to your company building, set it on fire and piss into the flames.”  
  
“Calm down bummie, when for?”  
  
He glanced back at the clock. “98 hours and 15 minutes.”  
  
“That’s not for ages... Come back to bed.”  
  
It was so tempting…  
  
“What makes you think I’d want to get back in there with you.” He spat.  
  
This was a sign, it had to be. God wanted him to die here. He wanted drown himself in one of the lobster tanks in the market and never join the civil service.  
  
“Why wouldn’t you?” Said Jonghyun *seductively* “Come onnn, cramming doesn’t even work, science has proved it... Science also proved that sex increases blood flow to the brain you know.”  
  
“Fuck science, I know exactly where that — stuff, increases blood flow to, and it’s in the opposite direction.”  
  
“Well you might think that but—“  
  
“Seriously, piss off if you know what’s good for you.”  
  
Jonghyun’s puppy eyes stared at him beseechingly, as did… other parts.  
  
“For fuck’s sake.” Kibum conceded, “Give me your number and I will call you next week.”  
  
“One more round and then I’ll help you do flash cards.”  
  
When faced with such a fair deal, Kibum really couldn’t bring himself to say no.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~  
  
  
101 hours and 15 minutes later, Kibum stepped out of the exam feeling confident, and turned on his phone to call Jonghyun… he’d just promised to let him know how it went, ok?  
  
“BUMMIE! How did it go?”  
  
Kibum couldn’t stop the corners of his lips from curling upwards as Jjong picked up his call.  
  
“So my magical cock did make you clever after all?” Teased the other.  
  
“Ha! Your small penis isn’t taking the credit for my years of hard work Kim Jonghyun! Besides, I don’t know if I’ve passed yet.”  
  
“Well you sound like you passed. I can hear it! Come over and I’ll make you dinner to celebrate.”  
  
There was no way that Kibum was celebrating until he had the results in his hand. That was bad luck, everyone knew that.  
  
“Ok I’ll take the champagne out of the fridge then…”  
  
“I didn’t say do that!”  
  
Life was far too short for Kibum to turn down the good stuff!  
  
“There’s something else I want to toast to anyway... Chuck the frog out before I get there, for his sanity as well as mine.”  
  
“Already gone.”  
  
Kibum could hear Minho shouting ‘No I’m not!’ in the background, and he had to laugh. That creature better be gone by the time he arrived or else he’d be getting quite a show.  
  
  
~`ㅂ´)~


End file.
